I war a good looking guy in my youf, woman were aw over me, I`ad more bitches around me than the bleedin judge at crufts. Id blame god but i'm no ping pong believer in the bloke that got my father's lover up the duff. The bloody gaia 'ypothesis, knahn as gaia theory is not a truth its a fackt. It proposes that organisms interact wif their inorganic surroundings on earf ter form a self-regulatin'-- Yeah ang on a min sunshine im talkin complex system that contributes ter maintainin -- Are y listenin? -- the conditions for Porridge life on the planet. If y ask me that makes more sense.
I 'ave nah idea wot i'm talking abaht but I fink its nickle and dime ter go to the pub and get a stiff one or at least a pint. Lucky I memorize wikipedia pages or I would sound completely idiotic. Noone wants ter sound idiotic imitatin' a gavvers officer is an offence. "You couldnt lend me a Lady Godiva could ya?" Na as I was just sayin' ter someone I dan't remember 'oo, was it you? Anyway as I was just sayin' I was good looking. Bein' good looking' is no mother's pearly gate when your spendin' a few donkey's ears in the slammer. Good lookin' aint a gud fing' at aw so its lucky I was skinny enuff ter get through the bars. Of course I escaped I am the second comin' of 'oudini. Havnt you been listenin?
"Goddit, mainly, but 'Porridge life?'"
Porridge mate. 'avnt ya been listenin ter a dicky bird? Porridge is wot ya get in the bleedin' slammer its nickle and dime. Nickle and dime 'ere is porridge! You couldn't lend me a Lady Godiva could ya?
"Well, of course!"
Thankin' ya kindly mate I will pay ya hammer and tack someday . . . maybe. A good geeza always keeps ter 'is dicky bird. I will let ya make your jack jones assumptions as ter wether I will keep ter mine.
"I'm off (or orf, if you prefer) to the pub for a pig's ear, myself."
Na where was I, people keep on interruptin' me it's very irritatin', oh yeah as I was sayin' I was good lookin'. I 'ave a photo of me somewhere in this messy drum. Oh 're ya china plate, clock ya 'round again wahn day cheers for the Lady Godiva!
Wot does 'e take me for 'e will never clock it again? Na where was I people keep on interruptin' me its very irritatin', oh yeah as I was sayin' I was good lookin'. How did I lose me looks, that's the bloomin' question I get asked aw the chuffin' nickle and dime and if they daan't ask the bleedin' question it's me obligation ter tell them. Everyone deserves a chance ter understand the situation before they're lookin' daahhhn the barrel of a gun 'cause they thought it was okay ter stare. Go on then stare at me keep starin' you feather plucker, im only kiddin' ya.
It started in the 1995 me and the gang got cream crackered of petty theft and the usual racket, I was 'ard pushed those days ter score a farmers daughter of weed, times were 'ard. I considered discussin' me problems wif Johnny the old 'orse 'n' cart wif goggle mince pies 'cause 'e was in charge back then, the geeza ter speak to king' el de gimp. I always liked Johnny namely 'cause back then 'e was refusin' ter answer the dog 'n' bone ter Billy the geezer'oo got aw the head in America back in the day. Before 'is three card trick dropped off, and it did drop off . . . right?
Anyway Billy invited Gerry ter his gaff for St. Patricks Day 'e's Irish aint 'e? 'oo the donald duck invites any irish geeza ter celebrate St. Patricks Day, we aw kna Gerry could tiddley win'Billy under the table. I suppose that's where Billy wants everyone so there ya go a good reason not ter answer calls from the uncle dick bastard!
Anyway me and the bleedin' boys were facin' 'ard times. Grinner didnt move away from the bloomin' telly, I kept tellin' 'im mate we 'ave ter shift the bloody telly before the gavvers pay anovver visit. But Grinner just sat there until the licensin' fuckers came 'round, then 'e opened the door, the daft cunt. Grinner was an electrician before 'e joined the gang.
After the gavvers ad locked him up for ten days, e` lost his job. 'e came back to the gaff stuck a fork in an electric socket, 2 million watts of electric ran through 'is arm and into 'is John Wayne. When Nitwit pushed 'im away usin' a wooden broom and Grinner 'ad finished shakin' we discovered 2 million watts 'as some rather strange side effects. We thought Grinner was smilin' 'cause of 'is three card trick that we were trying not to look at, then we thought 'e was smilin' 'cause 'is hair was standin' up loike in a wella hair gel advert. Nah, Grinner has 'ad a smile from ear ter ear ever since, turns aahhht that if ya tense your muscles too much on your face that's wot 'appens. The wind sorta changed.
We spent a couple of months tryin' ter make Grinner miserable but 'is sad condition never changed. Our financial condition got nah better and we were on our last toke when the boss 4Tonne 'ad a mother's pearly gate idea. We were going ter rob a Post Office wifowt our balaclavas on in broad daylight. It was a simple job, nothin' could go Pete Tong. The post officer was a pork pie of a geeza with a touch o dementia 'e must 'ave been in 'is 80s.
'Hand over the bloomin' money,' I yelled wavin' a sawn shotgan at 'is chevy chase. Nitwit looked at the bloody counter, 'Get daahhhn on the floor,'ands on your 'ead!'
"Who the donald duck ya talkin' ter Nitwit?" asked 4Tonne, "dont know boss," and true enough the post office was empty except for us and the portly shakin' geeza 'oo was pointin' at the shelf in front of me. "whats your game," I said, "hand over the bread and honey?" I sneered at the geeza and 'is spectacles slid off'is chevy chase, "Its in the safe," he whispered.
Well anyway this geeza 'elped us load the safe into the car before wavin' us goodbye, alzheimer's patients are so friendly, it didn't go to bad. "One question," says Grinner who's the designated get away driver. "I need petrol 'oo knows 'a ter open this safe?"
Nitwit and 4Tonne 'ad forgot that minor detail, those details aint my responsibility I am just the shotgan bloke, you understand. Well Nitwit opened 'is wallet and passed over a couple of cock and hen pound notes." 'How did ya get that?" says 4Tonne.
"I cashed me giro at post office an hour ago boss!" "You flamin' Nitwit," boomed 4Tonne. 'e leaned across the car and slapped `im over the crust of bread.
This Post office job was garn ter be more barney rubble than it was worf. There was probably 200 quid in that safe and that's a lot of money but we couldnt open the blasted fing'. That's a lot of bread and honey ter be losin', 4Tonne proposed that we tie the safe ter the tow bar and rag the fing' on the frog and toad, the idea bein' that the safe would open. But after the fourf 90 degree turn and the second rabbit casualty we were nah closer ter it openin'.
Then the rope snapped and the safe flew into a ditch. Meanwhile the gavvers 'ad already been through the Post office security cameras and the alzeimers geeza 'ad identified Nitwit as the fella 'oo 'ad cashed 'is giro earlier in the day. They 'ad 'is name and address already, ol Dave the community gaffer didnt need much of a John Wayne ter figure aahhht that the reports of a disturbance on a country lane by four men draggin' wot looked loike a black fridge was infack us.
Before we knew it we were bein' chased 'round the countryside, I still remember the blue flashin' it was loike nuffin' I 'ad ever seen before, except the year before and the year before that. Just as we thought we 'ad Kate Moss-ed the gaffer in a field of sheep Grinner 'it a tractor. The last fing' I remember was wahn of those forks and then Grinner wasnt smilin' anymore. When I woke up I was 'andcuffed ter a 'ospital bed wif half me chevy chase missin' and I wasnt good lookin' anymore. Nitwit and 4Tonne bof escaped, Nitwit was caught the next week when 'e went ter the Post office ter cash 'is next cheque.
I never did find out wha happend ter 4Tonne but 'e's out there sumwhere. Anyway I really 'ave ter be garn ter the pub na its already 6 pm and i'm cilla black for a pool match nice talkin' ter ya china plate!”
Me butte is numb from sittin` `round at me gaff, dont matter ‘a many times I tell the bloomin’ jackanory people still stare at me chevy chase it is ella irritatin’, puts a bloke on edge. All afternoon ive bein’ telin’ that stinking cunt Jules me porridge loife nickle and dime achievements. If I wasnt ‘ankerin’ fer a pint I might’ave told ‘im ‘a much I enjoyed porridge its like a Pope in Rome away from a Pope in Rome these days especially na i’m bad lookin.
I ‘ave nah Fred McMurrays aboot droppin’ the soap now non at aw. Prisoners get more luxuries than at home, carpet square meals a day, fresh clean clothes and nah disturbances, better beechams pill nah woman. Nah women at aw! This is me natural callin', I golden dove the sound of balls 'ittin' the back pocket there is summit satisfyin' abaht 'avin' the wite equipment. You kna wot turns me on the smell of the duke of york it increases the tip of me sticks friction, the best chalk is the blue diamond its 'igh performance always decreases me miscues so its only logical ter use it. Take me dicky bird for it if ya wanna be a champion ya 'ave ter golden dove chalk. Pool is a 'ustlin' type of game and i'm 'ere ter take aw their bread and honey.
The first fing someone needs ter do ter 'ustle well is learn 'a ter play wif their weaker hand and that is wot I am doin' wite na, I am playin' a complete stranger for fun and i'm a talented loser. In abaht an 'our I will take aw 'is bread and honey wifaht breakin' a sweat. I'm staggerin' 'round loike a drunken fool, 'e's convinced I am beatable that's when I will have him place a bet.
I never play me friends for a start they kna aw me dirty, sly underhand tricks. Look at 'im 'e thinks i'm wasted, ive even spilt me drink , its nah loss in an 'our me tab will be paid for the rest of the night. The number wahn rule is the wahn I daan't loike ya should never brin' your Jack Jones cue. If ya wanna make 'ustle well, use the gaff cues gettin' used ter that when ya 'ave wahn every serious itch And scratch in town is difficult. Any wahn wif half a John Wayne can recognise one that daan't belong in the rack. Noone is garn ter bet if ya look loike playin' pool is your forte.
Me wite eye, my wite eye, im closin' me left eye I can't see shit. Do ya ever clock through your eyelashes its aw blurry, its amazin' this is when ya clock the bloody whole world for wot it is utterly senseless. This music makes me wanna cry in joy, as it is so beautiful. I just wanna sit 'ere and dwink' that's aw I want. Why 're they tryin' ter stop me? Na i'm pissed ya can't Jackson Pollock me, im God do ya kna i'm God? I meant, oh i'm done explainin'. I just wanna dwink, that's aw I want. I just wanna earwig ter this but your tryin' ter put dickie birds in me mouth. Be quiet this instrumental sensational, I just wanna play it that's aw I want.
Neil 'rmstrong 'as it, in 'is responsibili-y, ter tell aw of us wot 'e experienced upon, and after steppin' on ter the chuffin' moon! Its the moons gravity influences that make ocean tides, imagine that. A long nickle and dime ago the moon was closer ter earf, I daan't kna why so daan't ask me. I just wanna dwink that's aw I want. Who, where is the speaker wire, louder it must be louder, oh god i'm garn ter cry the lyrics 're just so beautiful. Who tha fuck made America tha most powerful nation in the first place, it would not ave been me.
Where is the bloomin' missus Dawn theres nah dinner again wot does she take me for. A 'ard days work 'ustlin' for drinks and I just want sum dinner not much ter ask for. Shes prolly wif Nadya again. Ive knahn Nadya since she was lil' not that she's ever been lil' i'm sorry that was rude of me I apologise. Sometimes I just get carried away. She's matured well anyway there's summit strange abaht Nadya she's not exactly me type but theres summit abaht 'er mince pies.
I am drawn ter 'er she's the only wahn 'oo believes me porkies, shes the softest china plate I 'ave she 'as only punched me twice. Do ya fink' i'm a sorry and sad heap of coke, I am a sorry and sad heap of coke. Why am I cryin', im cryin' na I daan't care abaht me stop cryin'. Where is me dinner? Where is the bloomin telly remote wa is this nonsense? Why is there an 'rab president, 'oo would vote for someone wif a name loike that, this doesnt make much sense does it we 're at war wif the 'rabs but people 're votin' for an 'rab. I wanted 'ilary ter be president I 'avnt given up on 'er yet. Im for 'er aw the way, women 'ave aw the power ya want a half decent war ya need a gooseberry puddin' for president, take Maggie she donalded things up good here didnt she! Im feelin tired might get me head down fa a while.
Dawn woke me up 8 am, naggin', as is the structure of the female mafia. Each female 'as a specific crew, they 'ave their Jack Jones language they monitor aw me conversations it is best not ter comment. Aw the witnesses 're bogus I am always innocent, I covered me crust of bread wif a blanket and pretended not ter 'ear but I fink' she said Nadya is 'ere. Or did she say Nadya is garn ter bee 'live 'ere? I plan ter utilize this oppurtunity, Nadya will 'ave ter pay rent ter me.